The world is racing toward a COVID-19 test that produces results in the shortest period. Utilizing my scientific nature, I devised a test that returns results within seconds. Further, it is available to all interested parties.

A common symptom of COVID-19 is loss of taste. Without much difficulty, I acquired a box of peanut-butter cups and keep them in a convenient kitchen cabinet. With these simple edible/medical devices now available, I can test the functioning of my taste buds throughout the day.

When the chocolate flavor and crunchy peanut texture presents itself, I walk away satisfied that I am free of COVID-19. But, if the taste dissipates, I am free to retest myself to ensure people around me are safe.

In furtherance of this research, I prepared a batch of chocolate chip cookies and found them equally effective. This adds a greater variety of testing materials and expands the audience who may use my method of detecting COVID-19.

An interesting by-product of this procedure is chocolate-coated fingers, which helps the tester meet the CDC recommendation of frequent hand washing.

I suppose I could publish my testing procedure and contribute to the government’s “Operation Warp Speed”, but my politics get in the way. I choose to spread the news of my discovery, free of politics, by writing about the chocolate-of-mouth method (borrowed from the cliché “word-of-mouth”).

I adopted this altruistic behavior to help keep people safe. I remind myself that I am doing my part each time I take the test. Keeping this virus under control includes accepting responsibility. Sometimes, we must step up.

I have a sense of pride when I step up to the cabinet holding the chocolate treats.

As regards masks, I have three types.

• a very safe and rather stylish one so thick it muddles my voice,
• a medical-grade paper mask I can throw away after a few uses,
• and my insurance company-provided mask with the company’s name and ‘Medicare’ printed in bold letters on one side.

When I wear my very safe and stylish mask to a restaurant to pick up a takeout meal, I always come home with something different than what I ordered. While this makes life a little more interesting, it becomes an annoyance when I arrive home with an odd collection of appetizers when I ordered two full meals.

When I wear the mask with its obvious Medicare label, people shout as though I am deaf. My carefully modulated voice should tell them otherwise, but, alas, the mask tells a different story. This notification of my approximate age violates my HIPPA rights and is an annoyance, but I suppose it is to be expected in a capitalistic society. I am sure the insurance company anticipates a little goodwill to go with their free mask.

When I wear my paper mask, I am safe and understood, until there is rain.

With these observations under my belt, I devoted a suitable amount of time developing my own customized mask policy because I will always wear a covering in public. But, I will factor circumstance into which mask I choose.

• In a noisy environment, I wear the Medicare mask. That way, people talk louder, allowing me to hear them.
• When it is not raining and I need to be heard, I wear the paper mask.
• When I do not want to be heard, or I am around young people who hear everything, I wear the stylish one.

Given that most of my time is without public exposure, the masks are seldom used in front of a television. Having said that, I still feel wearing a mask is necessary, and having an acceptable policy about where to wear them is prudent.

Whether one documents those decisions or not is up to them. Given my nature and schedule, I found it proper to commit it to writing. My memory also played its part in my decision to write the policy.

Health authorities recommend we stand six feet apart as a precaution. To help encourage adherence to this policy, I have gone almost a year without a haircut. The fact that I am old, greater than six feet tall, and now with shoulder-length hair, I may appear a little creepy. While I am still in the testing phase of a ‘Creepy’ experiment, it seems to help people keep a respectable distance. If it is what I must do to keep us both safe, I am up to the task.

In summary, with or without an award (or parade), I will continue to do my part in keeping Americans safe while doing my part to support the chocolate industry.