by Glenn Thaxton, Written March 2020

Young people often judge their elders as having a loose attachment to reality. My experience is different. As I grow older, my mental acuity becomes sharper. Things once ignored arrive in sharp focus, escaping my ability to let them go. Prescription labels provide an excellent example.

A few weeks ago, I was taking my medications and happened to read the warning label. Printed in bold letters was a suggestion that I contact a physician if I decide to breastfeed.

Let me tell you something, when a 73-year old man decides to breastfeed, problems are afoot! The drug industry should change the label to “call your psychiatrist” given the high likelihood one is already in the picture (assuming the breastfeeding man scenario).

If some study group wants to identify men interested in breastfeeding, they should be less covert. On the other hand, if they are warning me of a possible side-effect of the drug, they should clarify their messaging.

Either interpretation piques my interest in another medication.

One could argue the utility of a man being capable of breastfeeding, given starvation on the planet. Or one could discuss the obvious physical constraints and how to overcome them. In either case, the concept is disturbing. With higher priority items on my personal agenda, these topics will have to take a backseat.

Bottom line, if you are a physician, don’t put me in the camp interested in breastfeeding. Women’s breasts have many applications and points of interest. There is no need to diminish the role they play. I am sure I am not by myself in expecting this duty to remain with women.

Child rearing roles for men and women continue to blur over time. Having said that, certain elements of the man’s role should be clear and permanent: providing a safe environment, periodic pearls of wisdom, and freedom from responsibility at the earliest opportunity.

Breastfeeding is not on the table!

If loose attachment means ignoring the crazier elements of the new reality we live in, count me as loosely attached.

After stewing on this observation, I had a brief meeting with the pharmacist. She told me that prescription warnings are generic and pertain to both sexes.  Further, it is left to the sex of the prescription taker to interpret what warnings apply in their individual case.

So, when the prescription says it is not to be taken with alcohol you can assume that the warning is targeting the opposite sex, pull out the bourbon, and thank God, they’re not talking about breastfeeding.

 You would think this example would be enough weirdness for any one individual but a week later I found the following message on my phone:

 “This is a reminder from your doctor…Our records indicate you are scheduled for a series of tests. Please arrive 15 minutes early…do not eat before the test and no caffeine the day of the test…Wear comfortable walking shoes and no dresses or one-piece outfits.”

 Here we go again.

 My daughter says that sexuality is more fluid today. I can accept that but, if you think I am going to wear a dress anywhere, I’ve got some fluid for you!

A while back, I was looking for a hotel room in Austin. One with a king-size bed to fit my Texas size frame. Imagine my surprise at finding a room advertising – “king-size bed, sleeps four!”

I know what you’re thinking, “Sounds interesting. Where’s that hotel?”

Well, slow down.

I’ve always felt I was adaptable, but life is beginning to stretch my limits. I decided to stay home.

Let me give you one more example.

This morning my day started off like this:

I say to my wife, “I’m making pancakes. You want anything in them?”

“Mayonnaise”, she replies. 

“Mayonnaise?”

“BANANA’S!!!”

“Jesus! You don’t have to shout!” I’m thinking, ‘It’s OK to change your mind.’

Today is already off to a rocky start. For the most part it’s like any other day, with one notable exception, every channel on the TV is talking about the corona virus and “Vocal Distancing”. I’m not sure how vocal distancing will help, but if it will, I am an expert.

Like the banana pancake banter previously described, I would be deaf from the shouting that accompanies some of my conversations if it were not for my advanced skills in Vocal Distancing.

On the assumption that Vocal Distancing will assist in the control of the virus, I am willing to contribute a few items I’ve picked up over the years. The following list hits the high points:

·   Don’t act on what you hear without verification.

·    Understand that some people don’t make sense no matter how many facts are evident. Ignore them and be patient with everybody else.

·    Stand six feet from anyone you ask a question.

·    Take a meditative moment every now and then to help control your emotions.

·    An abundance of toilet paper doesn’t help (I’m including this point to clear the air after a trip to Walmart).

 Everything changes, a day later, while my wife was out of the room, I turned on the TV and set it to a reasonable volume to discover that this week everyone is talking about “Social Distancing”, the practice of being no closer than six feet from anyone. This approach seems simpler than vocal distancing and simplification has its merits given this new generation.

What a difference a day makes.

I moved my wife’s chair six feet from mine, washed my hands, and am now waiting for further instructions … wondering when the world will start making sense.

***

I have no interest in breastfeeding anybody, nor will I be wearing dresses. Further, I won’t be going to hotels that advertise four people to a bed or dancing with a virus that has control issues.

My Grandpa used to say the world is getting crazier by the day. I now understand. I think I’ll just go back to talking to animals and watching Vladimir Hooten, our nosey, control freak, owl in the backyard.